A Tale of Two 10Us: What Winning Really Teaches Young Athletes

When Physical Push Outpaces Mental Support

I’ve been sitting with this one for a while, letting the emotions settle before putting words to it.

Earlier this fall, I watched two recreational 10U soccer games on the same day. On the surface, they looked similar being the same age group, same fan energy, same stakes. But the outcomes, especially for the kids involved, couldn’t have been more different.

I’ve been involved in both recreational and travel sports for nearly 30 years. And while I genuinely love working with the 10U age group, I’m seeing an increasingly uncomfortable trend:
we’re pushing kids physically before building the mental skills needed to support that push.

At this age, kids are caught in a strange in-between. On one hand, we want them to “just be kids” in recreational sports to learn the game, have fun, and get equal playing time. On the other, many of those same kids are being asked to perform at higher levels through travel and club sports that require significant time, money, and emotional investment.

Recreational sports often involve well-meaning parent coaches. Skill development depends on that coach’s knowledge, and playing time is typically shared. Travel sports are where the shift happens. It’s private lessons, multiple coaches with different philosophies, specialized positions, and no guarantee of playing time.

Both environments have value. The problem arises when they collide.

For a 10-year-old, that intersection can create real internal conflict during a fragile stage lending the questions, Do I belong here? Am I good enough? Do I even want to keep playing?

That day, both games were battles for first place. Both were recreational league games with parent coaches. Many of the players also compete in club soccer. The intensity was high. The sidelines were packed. Teenagers officiated the games.

In one program, players rotated freely. Teammates encouraged one another. High fives were given to players both on the field and on the bench. Coaches communicated with everyone. Every athlete played. One parent even commented that their child had never played that position before, but the coach wanted everyone to experience the championship game and found a way to do so.

In the other program, the approach was starkly different.

Only the “stars” played. Several athletes never stepped onto the field. The mentality was clear: win at all costs. There were no high fives for those on the bench. No acknowledgement during or after the game.

Watching a child walk away from their own team completely dejected was heartbreaking.

Those kids didn’t lose the game, but they were left believing they weren’t good enough.They didn’t lose the game, but they walked away feeling unsuccessful.

And at 10U, confidence is fragile whether the setting is recreational or travel.

This is where the mental lessons begin.

The Mental Lessons We’re Teaching (Whether We Mean To or Not)

At 10U, kids aren’t just learning how to pass, shoot, or defend. They’re learning who they are in sports and sometimes, who they believe they are because of sport.

Every decision adults make in these environments teaches a lesson. Some are intentional. Many are not.

Confidence
Confidence at this age is built through experience, not perfection. When athletes are trusted with playing time, even in high-pressure moments, they learn, I can handle this. When they are repeatedly sidelined, especially in meaningful games, the message becomes, I’m not ready or worse, I’m not good enough.

Confidence doesn’t come from never failing. It comes from being allowed to try.

Belonging
Belonging is one of the most powerful motivators for young athletes. Feeling seen, acknowledged, and valued by coaches and teammates matters more than we often realize. High fives, encouragement from the sideline, communication,even when an athlete isn’t in the game, signal, You matter here.

When kids feel invisible on their own team, it doesn’t just affect their performance. It affects their willingness to keep showing up.

Identity
At this age, athletes are beginning to tie their identity to sport. They’re quietly asking questions like, Am I an athlete? Am I a starter? Am I one of the good ones?

When playing time becomes the only measure of value, kids learn to define themselves by goals scored, minutes played, or whether they’re part of the “core group.” This can create an all-or-nothing relationship with sport that either leads to early burnout or walking away altogether.

Effort vs. Outcome
Winning matters. Competition matters. But when outcome becomes the sole focus, effort loses its value. Kids start to believe that hard work only counts if it leads to immediate results. 

At 10U, the lesson should be that effort, learning, and growth are the true wins because those are the things athletes actually control. When we reward only the outcome, we miss the opportunity to build resilient, motivated athletes who can handle setbacks later on.

The irony is this: programs that invest in confidence, belonging, identity, and effort tend to win more in the long run.

But even more importantly, they keep kids playing.

And at this age, that might be the most important victory of all.